Karma is truly a bitch.
That sounds random -
not to mention cliché
But in the time that I’ve been able to have karma kick me in the ass, ya know the age I started making decisions that effect other people (so about 14? Sure) I’ve ALWAYS gotten what was coming to me. I screw someone over, I too get screwed over in the same way by someone else. The vicious cycle of life, so I really do try to avoid fucking up like that.
A lot of my fears lately have been coming from the thought that I’m going to be getting my heart handed to me on a stick, only to have it taken away again and thrown in a fire for me to watch it slowly burn down to ash. And then have it all scattered about, impossible to resurrect.
Because that’s what I deserve.
Aren’t you being a tad bit dramatic?
I feel like all the fucked up shit I did is going to be done to me. I wish I could shake the feeling in my gut telling me it’s going to happen, but I just can’t.
That’s life though, so I guess I’ll just have to deal when the time comes.
Or maybe I’m starting a sad, lonely life of living in fear and my gut feeling is just anxiety over the simple idea of something happening.
No one will ever fall in love with me again, I’ll just always be the poor sucker.
Because that’s what I deserve.
No, no, that’s what you think you deserve.
Or maybe I do finally have to re-align my chakras, to rid myself of this guilt that has been crushing me. All this toxicity. You fucked up, but not as much as you’re giving yourself credit for. Okay. Let’s be positive for a sec. Listen to my crazy sister and the crazy psychic, and do some crazy hippie shit.
I used to have a really bad habit of saying harmful things in the moment, because I myself would be upset. Selfish, right?
But I would immediately regret those things the second the words escaped my mouth. Or when I would press “send” if I would impulsively text without thought, not re-reading.
Key phrase is “used to.”
I’ve gained a lot of control over my irrational expression, though.
Key word is “expression.”
I still feel unreasonably, even when I think things through and know how I’m feeling is stupid, I still justify it. I still have the desire to say these bitchy things or to hurt just because it’s how I feel and have this incessant need to make others feel how I feel; it just sucks when that feeling is something negative.
And then I’m too damn stubborn to immediately take back what I say, even when I don’t mean it.
Why does my pride take me over?
But I guess that’s why it’s necessary for me to maintain control.
I feel like I can’t, but I know I must.
Control is so fucking important, I can’t have anymore mistakes due to my lack of thought with words.
I guess I’m just tired of being so fucking insecure all the time and hiding it. I’m tired of feigning confidence. I’m tired of thinking too much. I’m tired of feeling like I care more. I’m tired of doubting myself. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of having my head fucked with. I’m tired of being a good person. I’m just emotionally and mentally exhausted.
But I’ll get past this, as always. ‘Cause I’m okay.
I really am, it’s just one of those days.
Seriously though, fuck me.
Maybe this is all driven by sexual frustration. Because apparently that’s a thing.